Sunday, November 29, 2009

Will the World Come to an End Without my Boobs??

WARNING: If you are not comfortable with the topic of nursing or boobs, please STOP READING here! If you can handle the whole truth and nothing but the truth, no matter how ugly (or saggy) it is....continue.

I sit here writing this post in a sleepy daze and with a major tension headache. WHY, you ask. Well, Bug decided to get up not once, not twice,  but FOUR times last night. FOUR. TIMES. IN. ONE. NIGHT!

For the record, she's been sleeping through the night since she was 3 months, so this mama is not used to such a rude awakening to my pleasant slumber. I fed her and put her down a little after 8, only to hear her crying like crazy a little after midnight (not long after I'd gone to sleep myself). She was pretty frantic at this point, like she was scared or something. So I nursed her and put her back to sleep. A little after 2am, I hear her crying again. This time, it wasn't frantic, and I wasn't sympathetic--I was tired. TIRED. I asked Darling Dearest to go try to help her since he doesn't have boobs filled with milk that will get her thinking she's going to eat again. I knew she wasn't hungry. He got her quiet and in bed, when 10 minutes later---what should we hear?? She's crying again. We both laid there in a war of the wills--which one will fold first and go help the Bug. Someone needed to quiet that thing ASAP so I could sleep. This was when I told him, "Just so you know....I'm not going in there so she thinks she's eating." That's when Darling Dearest groggily hobbled over to her room AGAIN to put her down. All was well with the world--not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse when 10 minutes later--------CRYING. AGAIN.

Finally, I march myself and my milk-filled boobs over to her room. I knew this team was the only one that could get her back to sleep. I wasn't even going to reason with her or attempt to put her down with a good pep talk. I wanted this baby quiet and in slumber land so I could join the sleeping party. I picked her up, changed the full diaper (since she was about to be fed for the 3rd time in 6 hours) in the dark (until Darling Dearest came over with a cell phone), and put that baby to my boob. Since the diaper-changing woke her up more, she ate for a while, but eventually hit the sack.

Now, I've been meaning to write a post about how the world would stop turning without my boobs, but last night's events set this post in stone. The girls are tired (yes, I'm referring to my boobs for those of you who don't know that expression--MOM). They're so tired, they're sagging and drained (literally). They're sick of being bitten (or gummed to death would be more accurate since Bug is still toothless at 9 month---thank God) and raw. Why are they raw? Well, Bug has decided she likes to eat on the go. If we're lying down, she will turn herself in the crawling position WHILE NURSING and try to hit the road--with the girls in her mouth!!! OUCH! Another one of her fun positions to try in the morning or when I'm exhausted and want to lay down and nurse her is to sit up and nurse from the one on top--yep, so I lay down and she sits and nurses. This makes it extra easy for her to rip herself on and off whenever she sees or hears anything that she feels the need to look at. Needless to say, I'M RAW and the girls are tired!! For all the nursing gurus out there--yes, I know this is not the best for her latch and this is why I'm raw--but this bug has a free-style nursing method that I'm trying to break. Until I do---I'm raw!! What can I say? She's an active 9 month old who wants to move about and see the world---all while taking her "food" on the road.

All to say, that sometimes I just want someone else to be able to feed her. Yes, I've frozen some milk, but my frozen supply is running low and my current production is on an "as-needs" flow---we're not surplusing here. This means that my frozen milk is literally GOLD in my house and will only come about during a serious emergency. I know, I know....if I only pump more throughout the day, it'll tell my body to produce more so I can have more milk to freeze and keep up my supply. Have you been reading my posts?? For a stay-at-home, chasing-my-bug-around-while-trying-to-get-a-house-ready-to-sell mom...I don't have time for that shenanigan! If I do have a beautiful blissful moment, I'd like to use it to hop in the shower, not attach myself to a sucking machine like a cow (although I totally can't hate on the pump since it's one of the best things ever invented and it's why I have any frozen supply at all--I love you Medela Pump N Style).

I also know that I could supplement with formula, but we're not going to get into this argument because you're not going to win. I made a personal choice to have Bug exclusively breastfed (well, with the exception of mush some call "solid food") until she's at least a that's the decision I made for her and I'm sticking by it. Although, I must admit that when that time comes when it's time to wean my little gal, my boobs, my independence, and my extra 10 lbs of fat will be thanking me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a bitter nursing mom. I DO enjoy it and I like all that it does for her even more. I still love our time together (I know that sounds creepy for those of you who haven't nursed). It's super convenient. I never forget her food or have to take time mixing it up and washing bottles. It's there whenever I need it--like when I'm leaning over her carseat nursing her with my butt smashed against the side window for all traffic to see while Darling Dearest drives to our Thanksgiving dinner or to the mall. Yes, I'm 100% a fan of nursing and will continue to be with all of my future children. These boobs have been good to me, and mostly to Bug---but I do look forward to the day (or night) when I don't have to be the one to FEED her back to sleep during a growth spurt or nurse while on the way to a store so I can have time to go shopping, get my hair done, or go to a movie. I look forward to the day when I can have some wine at a Thanksgiving meal or have someone watch the Bug during a mealtime without having to use a bottle of thawed breastmilk GOLD. I anxiously await the days where I don't beat myself up for losing track of time and not eating or drinking enough water (have I mentioned how I never drank water until I was pregnant and now it's all I drink so my "cup" runneth over?? Have I mentioned that I'm horrible about drinking enough water??).

I'm not looking for solutions. I'm just looking to vent a little. Don't my raw, overused and underappreciated tatas deserve the luxury of being able to vent without being judged?? When will the world not come to an end without my "girls". This mama is tired!


MisAdventuresofMomof3 said...

U r right to vent. I always did with my 2 kids. It is hard to get up all night and feed then get up all day and feed. U do kinda feel like a milk cow. I understand!

Don't be hard on yourself.

Jacquie @ Joy Made Full said...

I hear ya! I cringed every time I heard one of my babies cry in the middle of the night when I KNEW they weren't hungry. It stinks going through that. My goal was to get to 12 months but I only made it 10. That's fine but it stil makes me a little sad. It's like labor, just keep going...because you can't quit! lol

Mindy said...

I feel your pain! Even though I'm pumping exclusively so my boys get mostly breastmilk, I'm still the one to answer their calls in the middle of the night. They may not know the source of the milk, but they still prefer ME to be the one holding the bottle! :)

MommyB said...

Ah the joys and not so joyous moments of breastfeeding. I wanted to bf dd until she was 1 but we had some issues I was somewhat okay though with all the biting, she had a few teeth starting at 6 months and boy did I get bit. My favorite parts of breastfeeding are the bond and knowing your keeping your baby fed from what your body makes. My saddest part...the very very saggy boobs after you're done breastfeeding. So now that I'm preggers I'm enjoying full breasts again!! Hooray (for now)

Natalie said...

Don't worry luv, your nursing days may be over before you know it and you'll miss the nursling hanging from you 24-7! Belee dat! Mine all nursed til 15 months (up to 30 mo.s) and I wasn't sad right after they weaned, just looking back..